Unlocking Secrets by Kathe Crawford

Author:Kathe Crawford
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Hay House
Published: 2018-04-25T04:00:00+00:00

CHAPTER 7

THE FINAL BLOW

In 1995, I just couldn’t bear keeping Larry’s diagnosis from everyone any longer. It was a pressure cooker inside of me.

The first person I told was someone outside of the family. I had met my friend Debbie when Little Larry and her oldest son were in kindergarten together. We spent hours in the park talking while the boys played and soon became best friends. Not long after, her husband, Vince, became Larry’s best friend as well. We even spent weekends together. But our best friends still didn’t know about Larry’s illness.

One day, I was sitting at Debbie’s kitchen table, complaining about Larry. She protested, “But Larry’s doing so great!”

I knew if I told her the truth, it might put our friendship in jeopardy. Maybe she wouldn’t want to spend time with me anymore. But I couldn’t stand pretending with her for one more second. I trusted and loved Debbie. If I could tell anyone outside of the family, it would be her. So that day in her kitchen, I started crying.

“What’s wrong?” Debbie asked.

“I have to tell you something.”

“What is it?” She could tell it was serious, but I’m sure what ran through her head in that moment was that Larry was having an affair or an alcohol problem, or that we were facing bankruptcy. The last thing you’d expect to hear from a heterosexual couple at that time was that someone had HIV.

“I know you think Larry’s doing great, but he isn’t. He’s very sick.”

Debbie looked at me with alarm and concern.

“He’s had HIV for years, and he’s going to die. He got it when he was shooting drugs years ago.”

“What? No! Kathe, no! It can’t be!”

I couldn’t believe I’d actually said it out loud. I felt immense relief, as if I’d been sprung from a jail cell after years of incarceration, but I also felt tremendous guilt. I immediately wanted to take back every word. I’d betrayed my beloved. Who the hell was I to have done that?

Thankfully, Debbie just listened as years of emotions came flooding out of me. I suddenly had license to express my worries, fears, and even my anger. I begged her to understand that my frustration and hurt didn’t negate my love for Larry.

In a moment that neither one of us will ever forget, she said, “Let it out; let it go,” as she held me with such tenderness.

I pleaded with her not to tell her husband, who was a cop, and I asked her not to ever let on to Larry that she knew. It was so important that he not feel like a freak around his friends. Of course, it was the same kind of secrecy that he’d perpetuated as a drug addict. Now Debbie was infected with the secret too.

I’d been living and hiding within Larry’s story for so many years. When I told Debbie, it was the first moment I had allowed myself to step out of his story, if only for a short time. I broke my husband’s confidence, but I told Debbie for my own sanity.

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